On a lighter note...

In re-reading some of my recent posts I've decided to lighten things up by listing some of my favorite Steven Wright quotes...

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.